This was posted by Feng Shui Store on Facebook:

Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday. Do you know we spend 70% of our time worrying about things that never even happen? Unnecessary worry is not a new fad and you should take note of those famous words from that wise French author Michel de Montaigne back in the mid 15th century “My life has been filled with terrible misfortune; most of which never happened” - Stop worrying and have an amazing.

(I would like to think he meant to put "life" in there as the last word. :)

I'm asked my family and friends to write me letters of love and encouragement and support for my birthday. Today it occurred to me that I should write one to myself. That is probably the most important one. I need to love and support and encourage myself! :)

From Franklin D. Roosevelt's first inaugural address: "So, first of all, let me assert my firm belief that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself—nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror which paralyzes needed efforts to convert retreat into advance."

I cried when I read that, because it's very true in my life right now. I actually searched for "the only thing we have to fear is fear itself" because I find it particularly relevant to my going back to school. At risk of sounding like our current president, yes I can write papers. Yes I can manage my time. Yes I can do well on my tests. Yes I can interact successfully with students and teachers in schools. Yes I can. But sometimes the waves of panic roll over me. They are that "unreasoning, unjustified terror" that I can't or won't do those things. And I know, I know, that the only reason I wouldn't be able to do those things is because of my own paralyzing panic.

Unfortunately, Roosevelt doesn't give any advice that I can use for overcoming the fear. (He talks about creating jobs and coming together as a nation, which doesn't help my particular problem.) I need to believe in myself. To have faith that I am mentally strong enough to do this. It's all mental for me. It's all mental. Mental is why I don't do long distance running. Mental is why I went through Anthro3700 three times. Mental is why I dropped Arabic. I stopped believing I could do those things and then I couldn't do them anymore. It's that simple.

So I need unwavering faith in myself. That's all. :) I greatly appreciate all of you who are supporting me on this journey. Love you!



Also like this line from the address: "These dark days will be worth all they cost us if they teach us that our true destiny is not to be ministered unto but to minister to ourselves and to our fellow men."

"This is the moment when we take a stand to change and to live a better life." -Filipe of The Biggest Loser

I finally saw chewable (and gummi) adult vitamins in the store. They even had senior chewable vitamins! But I decided just to stick with the kids ones because they are cheaper and have served me well so far. :)

I think Facebook (-> seeing all the experiences my old friends are having) helped push me to decide I want a change. I want to do other things with my life. I want foreign friends. There's a whole nother world out there!

I'm feeling good! So much more like myself than I have in years!
ESL moves me more than any other job I've thought about. It's such a good fit with my background.
I was looking through my postcards and I thought, "Hey, I could go live in Europe again! I could join DoDDS and I could DO this!" (Or I could teach at an international school and go virtually anywhere.)
I am so incredibly thankful that I feel on track again.

This is something I've been meaning to write about for a long time. Our yoga class in Maryland had a sub one week. She was telling us a little about tantra yoga. She said they believe that we are all pieces of the Divine Being that split apart so that the DB could experience all kinds of different things. (At least that's what I got out of what she said.) It really, really touched me. If we're all part of the same being and we're divine, we should really help each other out more.

I thought of that now because of what I saw on dailybuddhism.com:

Namaste!
“I bow to the Divine in You”

This is a common greeting in India, Nepal and Tibet, and is a traditional greeting in many other places a well.  Generally it is said with both hands placed together in front of the chest, palms together accompanied by a slight bow. For even deeper respect, the same is done, but with the hands in front of the forehead.

The placing together of hands is what is usually called a mudra, a symbolic placement of the hands that has special traditional meaning. We’ll talk more about these another time, but in this case, one hand represents your divine spiritual nature, while the other hand symbolizes the worldly self. By combining the two, you can see the two halves of the person, as well as the representation that there is a link between you and the other person; we are all connected. But more on that idea tomorrow.


I want to make a tag for all my spiritual journey posts. I just don't know what I should call it. :)
 

The LOL cats are growing on me. They're also making me want a cat.

I enjoy The Biggest Loser and laugh at their blatant advertising during the show. "I'm going to take you to a place where you can eat healthy and be full on 600 calories--Subway!"
In this episode the contestants are back home for 30 days. The women especially are freaking out. They're just going crazy about food or exercise and not having any fun. I feel like I understand. Not about the weight loss, but about feeling like there's something in your life that you should be able to control (perfectly), but not accomplishing that. Or feeling like you're on the brink of it all falling apart.
Addendum: But you know what helped those crazed women? Having someone (the trainer) step in to calm and assure them. Someone they trusted to tell them the truth. Someone to tell them they could bend a little and still be okay.

"Trauma's a team sport. You don't have to be the hero, you just have to go where you're needed." Owen from Grey's Anatomy

The past couple days I've focused on thinking more positive thoughts and being more grateful. It has made my days better. I'm remembering it's the same thing that got me on the path to feeling better in Maryland too.
On Monday and Tuesday I had my mind made up that I was going to leave this career. I've spent over 10 years in this career--all of my 20's. And they haven't been very happy years. The first two decades were much better. I'm not blaming all my unhappiness on my job, but I feel like it must have at least something to do with it, since it's such a big part of my life. I am very grateful for the financial benefits that this job has provided me. But I was really feeling like it was time to move on.

Now today I was still feeling good and I got some affirmation at work and now I'm feeling much more content with staying with this job.
And then I get annoyed with myself for being indecisive. *sigh*
And now I need to concentrate on feeling positive again. I need to find a balance between feeling good, but still working to improve my life. I also need to work on having faith that the answers to what I should do with my life will become clear to me. Then I need to have the courage to follow that path.

If you're a pray-er, please pray for me. Thank you.

I love my (Maryland) soccer team! I love them so much. I love that they know me and trust me. I had a pretty bad first half today. I missed the ball a ton and took a guy out big time. (At least he was from the opposing team.) It was so bad that I was starting to contemplate what would happen if I broke a body part and couldn't drive back to Georgia.
But you know what? They let me start the second half as if nothing were wrong. They encouraged me while letting me have my space and do my thing. And I improved. I got better. I made good plays. I was so grateful. They believe in me.
(It's interesting though, how the whole flow of the game can change when different people get subbed in. There are some people that aren't so good at trusting their teammates and that throws things off.)

A rolling stone gathers no moss.
How long can rolling waters remain impure?

Rachel DV wrote this:
I am starting to see how progress works. Just a tiny bit at a time, we learn and we expand and our comfort zones enlarge....suddenly a few years have gone by and we're startled to realize that *GASP!* we have progressed!

Some of the things that used to seem so daunting to me now feel like a breeze. A lot of things that intimidated me I have overcome or at least can manage. Although I doubt myself and my strength more as a mother than I ever did, with those daily tests come daily confidence as I conquer. (And daily chances to improve my faith when I fall short.)

I'm not saying that I'm perfect or professional or that I have "arrived".....on the contrary, I am saying that we don't arrive! We learn. We inch along. We take little bites and find in time that we have eaten the whole.....enchilada? My sister told me (from something she read) that progress is meant to be gradual, and that we are wired for progress (Mommy Mantras, Abby? What was it?). That the brain can only handle so much at one time or we simply implode.

I haven't so much formed a coherent thought here. I've just been hearing about progress. I want it more quickly than it comes. I want to reach a goal, a destination. A part of me is wanting to put everything else on hold until I have achieved a deep inner peace. But that could take a really long time. And maybe I need these outside experiences to grow. (I don't see them bringing me inner peace, but general growth is good and maybe that does help with inner peace.
I need to make sure I do keep moving forward. Even if it's at that snail's pace.
Calm, calm, calm.

1, It is just now sinking in that attending the destination wedding of my friend Sarah is going to be somewhat expensive.
2, Walked in the snowy woods today and thought of Germany.
3, That social work post I linked to yesterday has made me feel a lot more at peace with my current job/career path.
4, That social work post is also less scary today because it includes comments from social workers who are not poor.
5, I am really feeling better in general, which I do believe is due to the plan outlined below.


So, remember Olympic swimmer Dara Torres? She made this huge comeback in the 2008 Olympics, as a 41-year-old mother. From what I remember, she did it (in part) by having this regiment of massage and stretching. Obviously there was a lot of training and nutrition too. But from what I remember of the TV coverage, they thought the big reason she could perform so well at her age was because of the massage and stretching.
And in my mind that ties into the things I feel I need to be consistently doing to make my mind (and body) healthy.

Here are the things that I am now doing for my mind and body:
- pray every morning and every night
- no caffeine, no sugared sodas
- exercise (usually the elliptical; I need to do this more often)
- trying to eat more fruits and vegetables.

Future add ons

- deep breathing exercises
- fewer pre-made foods
- muscle relaxation or yoga

For optimum benefits, I should be doing the exercise, deep breathing, and muscle relaxation every day. I don't know if that's a reasonable expectation though. But then again, what's more important than taking care of myself? 
Hmmmm.
 

I think I'm beginning to get something out of yoga!!  I went last night and felt spiritually uplifted. I felt like it was where I should be and I even wanted to smile during some of the poses. So, yay!

"They seem to have a vague sense of dissatisfaction, emptiness, or boredom about life, which can lead to panic or to chronic, generalized anxiety. Certain of my clients have found that the ultimate 'solution' to their problem with anxiety was to find a broad purpose or direction that gave their life greater meaning. Frequently this involved taking up a vocation that fulfilled their true talents and interests. In one case it involved developing an artistic talent that provided a creative outlet. Anxiety symptoms (as well as depression) can be the psyche's way of pushing you to explore and actualize an unrealized potential in your life, whether this involves intellectual development, emotional development, or even getting more in touch with your body."
- The Anxiety & Phobia Workbook by Edmund Bourne, PhD

I've been having a lot of anxiety lately. I think I need to have more faith in myself. Faith that I can take care of myself, no matter what; that I won't end up starving in a gutter; that I don't need to elicit promises from my fam&friends that they'll take care of me if I collapse.
Faith in Myself.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Where I sometimes run into trouble though is the "I don't want to." Even if I CAN survive, what if my life is so crappy that I don't want to? If I'm just barely hanging on and feeling no joy, what's the point? I'm just saying.

**Warning: I don't think this is going to be coherent or easy to follow.**

I got the phrase "paralysis of perfectionism" from Rachel's blog. Even when I tell myself something doesn't have to be perfect, I still want it to be. It makes even daily living hard.

I've been told all my life that I'm good at certain things, but what if I suddenly suck at them?

(I know, I know, it's all not making sense.)

I went to my first yoga class yesterday. It was fine. The teacher was northern European. For some reason that bothered me. It might be Europeans speaking English that bothers me. They sound much better in their native languages. But then again, who doesn't?? Whatever, that's not the point.
I think since I was wearing exercise clothes, my body was ready to exercise. Obviously that's not what transpired. A part of me wanted to run away and play soccer.

They say the answers are within us. I need to find the answers within me.

Applying for the DIA-Illinois job seemed like a good idea when I saw it, but now I'm paralyzed about it. It seems overwhelming. There's all kinds of junk you have to fill out. I hate filling out junk. Hate it. It gives me a bad feeling in my stomach.

I think I'm going to go watch Division-III basketball tonight. Because that makes me happy. Just walking into the gym makes me happy. I am going to be pissed if they charge me an entrance fee though. And they just might, because they're Villa Julie, even if they've changed their name to Stevenson. Stupid Villa Julie. At least it's close. I am thankful there are so many D-3 schools around here. There are practically none in the South. Seriously, I think the closest one to me is 2.5 hours away.

Class is going well. I'm learning and doing well on our exercises. I got a note saying I was one of two to do a certain exercise perfectly. To me it wasn't hard.
One of my GA friends told me he wouldn't want me teaching anyone below genius level. That may be a good call. I was reading off grades for my mom to input and was astounded that people were getting C's and D's. How do you even do that? In my world it's not possible. ((I'll admit, I did get a C once. It was in Astronomy, my first semester of college. I don't remember why I stopped doing the work, but I did. Hmm.))

I haven't seen as many of my friends here as I thought I would in the first three weeks. Mostly it's because I haven't told them I'm here. Ha. Why do I do this? Because I feel like I don't have anything interesting to say. No news. It's unfortunate.

I know logically that I have a good life, but I don't feel it within me. I know that everyone has little sufferings, but I get stuck on mine. I don't see the forest or the trees--I'm obsessing over the lichen.
I sit here and talk about it, talk about it, talk about it, but nothing changes. I don't know how to make it change.

I've been doing some self-analysis with the aid of The Feeling Good Handbook. (I love the pic of the author on it, because it reminds me of WU's Coach Edwards. (Not that they look alike in those 2 pics. Also, I never read his bio before. I love that he's from Peoria and was in the Army!))
Back to the point...
First it occurred to me that my root problem might be perfectionism rather than self esteem. I'd never been able to figure out why I had bad self-esteem. But now I think it's because of the perfectionism. Right? Because I expect myself to be perfect, but I can't be perfect, so I'm in a constant state of failure, so that pretty much shoots self-esteem. Fascinating, no? 
So I need to cut the perfectionism.

Your Word is "Hope"

You see life as an opportunity for learning, growth, and bringing out the best in others. No matter how bad things get, you always have at least a glimmer of optimism. You are accepting and forgiving. You encourage those who have wronged you to turn over a new leaf. And while there is a lot of ugliness in the world, you believe that almost no one is beyond redemption.

Getting the word HOPE gives me hope. :)

You know that saying, "It's not the destination, it's the journey." My usual response to it is, "Yeah, yeah, whatever." I think I gained a better understanding of it today. I was at the craft store looking at the cross stitch patters. Counted cross stitching calms me and I enjoy it. However cross stitch projects are so not part of my preferred decor. I am so much not a fan of them that I wouldn't even feel good about giving them to my grandparents, (who I know like that I made them.) I like the act, but not necessarily the outcome. Sort of like "It's not the destination, it's the journey." Of course this doesn't work perfectly, since you should probably like the destination too. A better comparison for me is organizing the jewelry at Target. *pauses and hangs head* When I'm stressed/anxious I like to go to Target and organize the jewelry. There, I admit it. I love it. I'm sad when it's done. It's definitely about the journey, the doing. It's nice to see it organized when I'm done, but that's not why I do it.
So there, I've learned something, I've progressed.

Here's what I'd like to keep in my head: Be the person your family knows you are.

I like it.

(And, yes, it is a take off of "Be the person your dog thinks you are." This one's much more meaningful though.)